Rats, Cats & Vending Machines
by YunaDax
Summary: What happens when you cross Mulder and Scully with Frank, Rachel, Helen and Rat the Cat???? This of course!


From: "Julia Webster"  To:  Subject: [ratfic] Rats, Cats & Vending Machines Date: Sunday, April 09, 2000 11:17 PM 

Title: Rats, Cats and vending machines Authors: Julesmonster, Rachel Goldstein & Rat the cat. Disclaimer: well some of them are mine, the rest, well we can dream I spose. Authors Note 1.: Sonni you die... die die die. It was YOU that gave me the inspiration for this.. you... you.... you EVIL woman! Authors Note 2: That psycho woman over there (points to Julia) forced me into writing this, don't ask me why.... Authors Note 3: Miaow....where's my basketwarmer mummy????? 

Rats, Cats and Vending Machines 

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Rat curled up with his mummy in front to the TV late one Wednesday night. Yawning he gazed at the screen, some red headed human thing was running around the screen with a black jacket/basket-warmer with big yellow letters on the back. F.B.I. Rat idely wondered what that meant and reminded himself to ask It next time he saw him. He turned his eyes back to the screen to find another human on the screen, this one a dark short haired human, also wearing one of those jackets/basket-warmers with the bright yellow letters. Rat came to the conclusion that these black jackets/basket-warmer with F.B.I written on the back were a pretty nifty accessory for an upmarket pussycat to have and made a point to pinch his mummies if she ever got one. The urge for a new catfit hit him like a 800gram can of catfood and he scampered off to see what thee great Mummy Dark House had to offer. Pouncing up the stairs Rat bounded into his mummies sleepy basket and delved into the open Great Mummy Dark House. Entering the Dark House Rat looked above him at all the lovely comfy basket warmers all hanging there. Poking his nose between several choice basket warmers he found a big black basketwarmer resembling the one he had seen on the screen. Licking his lips excitedly he leaped onto the jacket, climbing up it until it slipped from its hanger and onto the floor. Eyeing off his new basketwarmer he dragged it down to his abode, careful not to let his mummy see. Arranging his new basketwarmer in the best possible way Rat was horrified to find that his new basketwarmer had POLICE written on it rather than the O-So-Cool F.B.I. and worse yet, it was dark blue instead of black! He howled in protest, causing Rachel to come to investigate what her cat was unhappy with now. If it wasn't the prewarmed catfood, it was the slightly unlevel Kitty Litter, and if it wasn't that it was that she hadn't washed and aired his basket that morning, or had fed him Whiskers rather than Dine for dinner. Leaning over the kitchen counter she nearly screamed in horror. Her almost (well kinda maybe depends which way you look at it) brand new Police issue nice comfy warm nearly black jacket was being rapidly turned into one of her cats basketwarmers! Meanwhile in a dark dusty office in the basement of the J.Edger Hoover building in Washington DC America two people was sitting in front of a slide projector, making comments about the images that were flashing before them. "you say they're from the Water Police..... in Australia???" Scully asked dubiously. She new Mulder had a knack for getting hold of weirdo cases, but this was rediculous. These two detectives claim to have visited the 24th century, been onboard fictional spaceships such as the U.S.S Voyager and Deep Space Nine, as well as interacted with fictional people such as the Thunderbirds and Dr Who, and the one common factor in all of these was one thing... a cat. A cat named Rat. Now who on earth would call their cat Rat??? Scully tuned back into what Mulder was dronning on about. "... and I think its something more than just shear helusinations, I think its got something to do with extra terrestrial involvement. I think these detectives and their cat were abducted by aliens" Rachel dived around into her kitchen and reefed her newly drycleaned jacket from under her cats paws, checking to see if he had pulled any threads or left any claw marks. Her examination was interupted by a pounding at the door. Dropping the jacket on the counter she raced over to find out who was causing such a racket. Frank, it could only be Frank. Pulling open the door Frank himself produced a slab of beer and a pizza, begging with his puppydog eyes to be let in out of the freezing Sydney winter. "SHIT its cold out there!" he exclaimed as he dumped his coat on the hatrack. Rat meanwhile was reclaiming his prized basketwarmer. Pummeling his basketwarmer into the optimum arrangement Rat discovered something hard and lumpy in one of the pockets, feeling slightly miffed that his new basketwarmer would need more pummeling, Rat set to work on the lumpy area, unbeknownst that the hard lumpy thing was infact the reality controller, still hidden from when Rachel had pinched and stashed it for her next encounter with Mr Redford. Inside the jacket, a button began to glow. Flash zap what the F**K? Agent Dana Scully was just about to tell her partner for the fifteen billionth time that she didn't beleive and that he was in fact a fruitloop in discuise when something rather remarkable happened. Two people and a cat just appeared right in front of her. Scully jumped about twice her height and leaped out of the way as a slab of beer came crashing to the ground. The darkhaired woman was yelling something about cats and fashion when she stopped suddenly, aware of her new surroundings. "oh god not again" the drakhaired one said, groaning as though this were some kind of normal event. The man looked at her with the same kind of expresion. " Where the hell are we THIS time?" he moaned, looking at the slab on the floor and Rat sitting on top of it. His eyes drifted to the feisty looking redhead with a sceptical look on her face. The other bloke in the room started ranting again about ET's and EBE's and other thing well over poor little Frank's head when Rat took a liking to the redhead. He padded over to her, rubbed against her leg and was rewarded by a ginger pat on the head. The woman looked at him, then at the duo standing in the office when something clicked in her brain. " Are you lot from the Australian Water Police?" she asked, fitting the peices together. " Ahhh yeah, how'd you know?" the bloke asked, slightly miffed at being at the informational disadvantage. " so you must be Frank Holloway, and that must be Rachel Goldstein and THIS must be the cat named Rat" Scully smiled, smirking that she had figured it out before Mulder.... again. " Hang on... wait just a little minute here.. how come you know who we are?? And its the SYDNEY Water Police.. not the Australian Water Police, we're not that bloody good." Frank started, this was REALLY starting to get on his nerves. This sheila seemed to know all about him. " Okay, someone fill me in here... how do YOU know about US? Have like we met before in some like alternate reality or something?" Frank said, eyeing off the posters hanging from the office walls. "My name is Dana Scully, and I'm an agent for the FBI, that's Mulder over there. We deal with paranormal activities in our area, hence the name X-Files, you two ARE an X-File. No-one ever done or been where you lot have." Scully said, trying to make peace with the slightly estranged guy from Down Under. That night Frank and Rachel were sharing Chinese, American style, in the cheap hotel a block from the FBI headquarters. " Jack's probably wondering where the hell we are" Rachel mumbled as she spat out something that was SUPPOSED to be a prawn. "Argh, dont American's know how to make decent Chinese? This is GROSE!" Grumbling she went to raid the refridgerator. Opening the door she found something rather strange. An American 10 dollar bill. Picking up the green note she waved it at Frank. " Hey Frank, you wanna pop down to the local shop and get us some REAL food?" she smiled, almost anticipating the pizza and beer that Frank would no doubt bring back. Frank leapt up and grabbed the note out of her hands like a schoolboy about to be let loose in a lolly shop. Grinning madly he strolled out the door and headed into the barmy American summer. A short time later Frank returned to the room, two brown paper bags under his arms. Dumping the bags on to small table he began to unpack the items, watching Rachels' reactions as he did so. He saw her eyebrows raise slightly at the bottle of Whiskey, heck she was SO sure he'd bring home beer. The eyebrows raised even more as a handpainted hardboiled egg emerged from the depths of the bag. The eyebrows returned to a normal position as the can of Catfood followed the egg, then shot sky high as a packet of condoms spilled out as Frank tossed to empty bags to one side. " My my my, and who are these for FRANK?" Rachel questioned as she leaned over to pick up the packet. " OOOO Ribbed too! Let me guess, you're planning on bedding that redhead, Frank, get some taste will you?" she snorted, tossing the packet back to her partner as his face hit the shade four past beetroot. Despite the fact that she was rather horrified that Frank was actively intent on bedding the redhead, her mind was drawn back to the last time she 'got some' and realised that it was probably just as long since Frank had alse 'done it'. Giving an involuntary shudder she resumed her search for food, rather pissed that Frank hadn't brought home anything 'decent'! Back at the Sydney Water Police headquarters Helen was getting rather concerned about her yet again missing Detectives. Upon sending Mick round to Rachel, then Frank's house, she formed the conclusion that they had been 'nabbed' again by whoever was controlling the device. Man how she wished she could get ahold of that little beauty. Rat was just getting comfy in his improvised catbed of Rachel's prized jacket when his Mummy called him for his dinner. Jumping off his bed he padded over to where Mummy was holding a funny lookin brand of catfood. He figured Daddy must have done the hunting again cos it was a weird brand, not his usual gourmet Dine with Pilchards in Aspic. Inside the jacket, another button began to glow. Zap Flash What the F**K? 

Helen Blakemore looked at her new surroundings in disbeleif. So THIS was what happened, one minute she was quietly looking up the C.O.P.S database on some crim Mick was chasing, the next minute she was standing in a rather soddy hotel room with Rachel and Rat. She wondered vaugly where Frank was, but her attention was focused on the the hell just happened to her. " What the HELL????" she stuttered as she began to make sense of it all. " Hey Helen" Rachel exclaimed, trying to make her boss snap out of her little trance. " Rachel? Rat? What the hell?" Helen steered herself towards a chair and plonked heavily in it, holding her head in her hands. Rachel went up to her friend, placing a reassuring hand on her shoulder, silently saying that things weren't THAT bad... well not really anyway. Rat looked up from his dinner of weird-tasting-mushy-stuff-that-kinda-tasted-like-fish-but-not-really to find Auntie Helen in the room. He spat out his mouthful of nearly-food and pounced over to his Auntie, landing squarely on her lap and promptly started to have a bath. Having something familiar in her midst, Helen absently patted Rat while telling Rachel of what had happened to her. Her friend smiled knowingly at Helen's account, knowing how disconcerting the time-travel could be at times. Meanwhile Frank, having gotten over his embarresment, decided that food was what he originally wanted and emerged from his room to find his boss sitting at the kitchen table. " Helen??? What are you doing here?" he said, the shock making him walk straight into a coffee table, bruising his shin. Helen looked at him, a deadpan expression on her face. " Gez Frank, you never change do ya" she smiled, causing Rachel to sigh in releif. Helen clicked into 'boss mode' and headed towards the fridge. " Got any food? I haven't eaten lunch yet" she stated, forgetting that it was nearly morning where they actually were. Opening the fridge door she starred at the contents, consisting of a bottle of cheap Whiskey and an egg. *gez I KNOW American's were weird* she thought as she pulled the Whiskey from the shelf and poured them all a shot. Gathering the glasses she headed over towards the dodgy lounges where Frank and Rachel were now sprawled, cleary exhausted. " So, hows... umm where are we?" she started as she finally realized she didn't know EXACTLY where they were" " We're in Washington D.C, you know.. home of the X-Files" Frank said spookily, putting on his best Fox Mulder impersonation. Both Helen and Rachel rolled their eyes at his lousy attempt. The hours blurred as the Whiskey flowed and affected them all. A knock at the door didn't seem to bother the now sleeping trio, all stretched out on the various shonky lounges within the dodgy hotelroom. Having received no response from their knocks, Scully and Mulder became concerned that something might have happened to their first 'friendly' X-File. Drawing their guns and calling for backup the duo readied themselves for action. Scully hide behind the doorframe as Mulder braced himself against the door, ready to force it open. At his partner's signal he shoulder barged the door, sending it splintering into the hotel room, thoroughly freaking its occupants. " FREEZE! F.B.I!" Scully shouted as she followed, gun first. She saw something move behind the counter and whipped around, facing the monster hiding there. Rat fainted with shock as the bad-person-with-bang-bang-thing rounded the corner and pointed the bang-bang thing at him, ready to blast him out of his catfur. Scully breathed a sigh of relief as the monster turned out to the the cat, and turned back to her partner who was trying to figure out how the third person actually got there despite their hours of survailence. As she made her way over to the small group she noticed the third person was a woman, a woman wearing a uniform. 

"... and then I was here.. I don't really know how or why. It's like one second I'm in my office, running something through C.O.P.S for Mick, then the next I'm here with Frank, Rachel and Rat." 

Mulder introduced his partner as she drew closer, covering for the fact that he'd already forgotten the new persons' name. 

" This is my partner Dana Scully" he said, pointing to her. The new woman seemed to take the hint. 

" Helen Blakemore, I'm with the Sydney Water Police" 

*Ahh!* Mulder smiled to himself as he jotted the name down in his notebook. He noticed Scully staring at the Holloway guy for an instant before she slipped back into professional mode, jotting something down in HER notebook. On the way out she stopped to whisper something in the guy's ear before following her partner out to their car. 

Frank's face errupted into the biggest smile Rachel had ever seen as the redhead left the room. *He's scored, the BASTARD!* she thought as he smirked and headed off towards his room, clearly eager to get some sleep before the date she's obviously asked him on. Helen looked at Rachel, Rachel looked back at Helen, both sharing the same knowing smile showing that they'd have something to play against Frank for YEARS to come. At this time Rat decided to cat a catnap in his basket, pummeling his basket-warmer to peek comfyness before turning three times and settling down for his nap. Inside the jacket, a different button began to glow. 

Zap, Flash, What the F**K????? 

Rachel, the naked Frank, Helen and Rat suddenly appeared back in Rachel's house. Rat headed straight for his basket as his Mummy, Daddy and Auntie were engulfed by the funny-dressed-people who were obviously looked for them. Rachel saw Rat heading for his basket when she put the peices together, the controller MUST be in her jacket pocket, and whenever Rat went to his basket, he pressed it! She dived towards the cat, scattering people and furniture as she went. Grabbing the jacket she rummaged around the pockets, eager to find the missing controller. Much to her dismay she found only used hankies and disintergrating tissues. 

* I wonder where it has got to now? * she thought............. 

FINIS! 

so WHOOOO has the controller now? stay tuned! ( or send lots of feedback to hurry up the process of finding out who pinched it!) 

[Non-text portions of this message have been removed] 

------------------------------------------------------------------------ LOW RATE, NO WAIT! Get a NextCard Visa, in 30 seconds! Get rates as low as 2.9% Intro or 9.9% Fixed APR and no hidden fees. Apply NOW! http://click.egroups.com/1/2122/3/_/573640/_/955286195/ ------------------------------------------------------------------------ 


End file.
